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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24418165">we all need someone to hold</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenWithABeeThrone/pseuds/QueenWithABeeThrone'>QueenWithABeeThrone</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Jealousy, Love Confession, M/M, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Resurrection Ritual, caleb widogast cat man, implied almost shadowgast, temporary major character death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:22:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,465</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24418165</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenWithABeeThrone/pseuds/QueenWithABeeThrone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The moon is shining bright above them, and in the moonlight Caleb almost seems to glow.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I don’t know if I can let this go, Molly thinks, and it’s a sharp, sobering thought.</i>
</p><p>or: Molly catches up with the Mighty Nein and pines after Caleb, the latter of which was a lot easier before he died. now things are a little more complicated.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>307</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>we all need someone to hold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodeSculptor/gifts">CodeSculptor</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title is from Vancouver Sleep Clinic's "Someone To Stay". betaed by CodeSculptor1! thanks brah.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Molly grows a crush on Caleb somewhere between Zadash and Shady Creek Run, somewhere between Caleb professing his belief in second starts and Molly dying in the snow. Dying, unfortunately, does nothing to quench the torch he’s holding. Neither does coming back from the dead and chasing down leads to wherever the fuck the rest of the Nein have gone. In fact all it does is stoke the fire even more, which is terribly inconvenient and the last thing Molly needs right now.</p><p>They have their reunion in Nicodranas, of course. Tears all around, hugs all around, and to top it all off, Molly finds himself getting on smashingly with Caduceus, who turns out to be the most level-headed person in this trash fire of a group, which is good, because—</p><p>“I’m sorry, <i>we’re</i> ending the war?” Molly says, after everyone’s caught him up on the latest. “<i>Us?</i> I thought we were <i>avoiding</i> the war, how did we end up in the middle of it brokering <i>peace talks</i>?”</p><p>“Weren’t you listening?” Beau says, smacking his shoulder lightly.</p><p>“I know you went to rescue Nott—<i>Veth’s</i> husband,” says Molly, “I’m not sure how it somehow led to us having the fates of two nations in our hands.”</p><p>“In Jester’s pack, more like,” Caleb murmurs.</p><p>“<i>How,</i>” says Molly, in tones of sheer bafflement.</p><p>“Again, because we <i>stuffed it in there,</i>” says Beau. “Fucking—how many times do we have to say it before it sinks in?!”</p><p>“I can see us stealing the pirate ship, that’s exactly something we’d do,” says Molly, “but—we <i>really</i> had the centerpiece of an entire nation’s religion in Jester’s backpack? <i>Really?</i>”</p><p>“Well, when you put it that way,” Caduceus concedes, “it does sound unbelievable.”</p><p>So—that’s how he comes back to them, these people he has come to love so deeply that he spent nearly a year tracking them down. He’s missed quite a bit, obviously. He didn’t exactly expect them to stay still and wait around for him forever, but. Well. He feels out of step, now. Even with Yasha, although she does her best to alleviate the feeling, telling him everything that’s happened to her since his death. And especially with Caleb, who’s gone from a dirty, shabby hobo wizard to a very, <i>very</i> handsome wizard.</p><p>Still awkward as ever, of course. Which is good, because Molly really cannot imagine what he’d do if ever Caleb decided to flirt <i>back</i>. It’ll stop being a fun little way to tease him, then. It’ll be far more serious, and Molly just—doesn’t know how to proceed that way. He’s good with sex, but he’s new to romance.</p><p>And—</p><p>Well. He’s there when they talk to their drow friend, Essek. He can see how Caleb talks to him, the <i>care</i> he has for him. Molly’s a lot of things, but he isn’t blind, he knows what someone looks like when they love someone else.</p><p>So it’s fine. Really. It’s fine. Everything’s just fine, and Molly can put this torch down and pretend he doesn’t feel that ugly little worm of jealousy wriggling about in his heart, cracking it with every movement. Everything is <i>fine</i>.</p><p>--</p><p>Everything is not fine.</p><p>“Fjord!” Molly screams, desperately, as soon as they’ve dispatched the last of the creatures attacking the ship. “We have to—”</p><p>“On it,” says Caduceus, and he looks—angrier than Molly’s ever seen him. He kneels next to Fjord’s dead body, his hand glowing with bright green energy, and Molly turns away, feeling suddenly sick when he catches sight of the large, horrible hole in his friend’s chest, a twin to his own scar and Beau’s.</p><p>He staggers closer to Beau, who looks like she’s about to throw up, too. Gropes blindly for her arm, and he’ll never admit this, but the moment she grabs on to his, a wave of relief crashes down over his head. It’s so strong he has to lean against her, trying to catch his breath, trying to come to grips with the shock of seeing a dead body that belonged to someone he <i>knew</i>.</p><p>“You’d think it would get easier,” says Beau, quietly. “Seeing this shit.”</p><p>“I don’t think it ever would,” says Molly, watching Caduceus and Jester scrambling to save Fjord and their tortle navigator. “Or ever should. It’s—” He hesitates, then huffs out a breath. “I’ve shared meals with him,” he says, the memory of saying almost the exact same thing after Kylre’s death now bubbling up in the back of his mind. Of all the fucking times to think of Kylre, gods. “Ten minutes ago we were <i>fine</i>. I don’t—what the fuck happened?”</p><p>“We’ve got an idea,” says Beau, “but we’ll explain later. Just—we’ll fix this.” Her hand comes up to hold Molly’s arm by the elbow, and she gives him a squeeze. Her attempt at comfort, he realizes quickly, and the weird thing is—he <i>is</i> comforted. Then she pulls away to sit near Caduceus, taking his hand.</p><p>Molly’s not alone for long, though, because he feels another hand catch his. When he turns his head to look, he sees Caleb there, feels his calloused, slender fingers in Molly’s. Caleb’s hand has always been a little too warm for a human’s hand, because of all the fire magic he likes to throw around in battle. For Molly, it’s always felt just right.</p><p>Molly leans gratefully against him, and watches, anxiously, as Caduceus shoves the diamond into Fjord’s chest, as it shatters and vines grow over the wound, knitting it back together. Fjord gasps in shock, life sparking back into his dead eyes, and sits up, blinking. Jester kisses his temple and whips around, pulling out a diamond of her own to press to the tortle’s shell.</p><p>Caleb squeezes Molly’s hand, once, reassuring. Molly doesn’t need it; just the sight of the diamond had been enough, but he leans against Caleb anyway, feeling the tension leave his body, feeling his racing heart begin to slow.</p><p>--</p><p>Molly clambers up into the crow’s nest with one of Caduceus’ mushrooms, some nights afterwards. There is, unsurprisingly for this group, a pillow fort already installed, and Molly ducks his head inside, propping up one of the pillows so he can rest against the mast and nibble on the mushroom.</p><p>He has had a <i>rough</i> time lately, and this is the first real downtime he’s had in, gods, <i>months</i>. By god, he deserves a hallucinogenic mushroom. Anyway, it’s not like he’s going to go anywhere—he’s just sitting right here, in the crow’s nest, with nowhere else to go and nothing urgent to do. Safest place and time to try a chemically-altered mental state, he’s sure.</p><p>Of course, he knows it’ll take a few minutes for the effects to kick in, so he just fiddles around with his cards in the meantime. It’s while he’s shuffling them that he hears the sound of the wood creaking somewhat, then the softer twin thuds of boots stepping onto the wooden floor. Caleb lifts the blanket flap, flushes red, and says, “Oh. <i>Hallo</i>, Mollymauk. I didn’t think anyone else would be up here.”</p><p>“Hello, Caleb,” says Molly, gesturing with the mushroom. “Want some? I’m waiting for it to kick in.”</p><p>“<i>Nein</i>, but <i>danke schön</i>, anyway,” says Caleb, sitting next to him and taking out a book from his fancy purple coat. Molly can’t help but preen a little at the color, at how good it looks on Caleb. Then he thinks of Essek, who’s also purple and is a <i>wizard</i> to boot, and his heart maybe cracks a little. “I was just going to read. There are not many places to read on this ship, everyone always has something to do.”</p><p>“What, not even with Nott—Veth?” Molly asks.</p><p>“She takes her duties as powder monkey very seriously,” says Caleb. “The last I saw of her, she was inspecting the ammunition we had onboard.”</p><p>Molly looks up at the blanket and squints. Is it just him, or has a fish come through the blanket? “You see any fish right now?” he asks Caleb, nudging his arm.</p><p>“No?” Caleb says, confused.</p><p>“Oh, good, that means it’s kicked in,” says Molly, watching in deep fascination as one of the ghostly, ethereal fish swims gently around Caleb’s head. “There’s one right now near you,” he adds with a little giggle, reaching out to gently prod it with his finger.</p><p>“I see,” says Caleb. “How long until it wears off, I wonder?”</p><p>“Eh, I dunno,” says Molly. “I only took a bite. Maybe an hour if I eat more?” He scoots closer towards the ethereal cat, watching its fur ripple with colors that change with every movement. The cat crouches down, then pounces into Caleb’s lap, meowing softly as its fur shifts colors again. “Will you look at that, Mr. Caleb,” he says, in awe. “I think you’ve got a friend there.”</p><p>“What is it?” Caleb asks, looking down at it and trying to stay as still as possible.</p><p>“It’s a cat,” says Molly, taking a small bite out of the mushroom. “Not your cat, but <i>a</i> cat. Seems to like you. It’s licking your hand right now.”</p><p>“Oh,” says Caleb. Tentatively, hesitantly, he raises his hand as if to try and pet it, before he frowns. “I can’t see it,” he says.</p><p>“Here, lemme help,” says Molly. He lays his hand over Caleb’s and guides him to where the cat’s head is. The cat meows softly, butts its head against Caleb’s palm, and Molly huffs out a soft laugh. “It really likes you, it wants you to pet it,” he says. “Just—do it like you would to Frumpkin.”</p><p>“I get it, I think,” says Caleb, gently scratching over the cat’s head. It meows again, stretching out and kneading its ethereal claws into Caleb’s pant leg. Weird, his face is beginning to go red. “What is it doing right now?”</p><p>“Kneading into your thigh,” says Molly. “You’re lucky you can’t feel it. You all right in here? You look a little red.”</p><p>“<i>Ja, ja</i>, I’m fine,” says Caleb, coughing unconvincingly. Molly guides his hand in stroking over the cat’s fur, and the cat purrs under their joined hands.</p><p>“Aw, look, it’s purring,” Molly says. “Oh—no, you can’t look. Really missing out on this, you are.”</p><p>“I am just not a fan of being—mentally compromised,” says Caleb. “I have been, before. I lost <i>years</i> to the asylum.”</p><p>Molly frowns at him, suddenly sure he’s missed a step somewhere. “What?”</p><p>“Oh,” says Caleb. “You—weren’t there.” He ducks his head now, and says, “You know that I used to be a student of the Assembly. You know that I, ah, fell out of favor with them some time ago, so any contact with them now has proven a little, uh, awkward.”</p><p>“Well, yeah, but when did an <i>asylum</i> come into it?” Molly asks.</p><p>“When I fell out of favor,” says Caleb, “it was in such a way that I, ah—broke. A bit.” He pulls his hand out of Molly’s and taps a finger against his temple, his mouth turning upward in a ghostly, ironic parody of a smile. “Up here,” he says. “Not like you, I still remembered, I just also was—not quite all there.”</p><p>“Oh,” says Molly, softly. The ethereal cat in Caleb’s lap meows, distressed, and plants its paws onto Caleb’s chest, trying to draw his attention again. Molly shifts his hand to stroke down its back and says, “But you’re here now. So what happened?”</p><p>“Someone took the clouds away,” is all that Caleb replies. He looks down at Molly’s hand again, and says, “Oh—what is it doing now?”</p><p>“It’s not happy you stopped petting it,” says Molly.</p><p>“Oh,” says Caleb. “I’m sorry, <i>schatzi</i>.”</p><p>The shiver goes down Molly’s spine before he can restrain it, because it’s not <i>him</i> the endearment is aimed at, but the ghostly cat. And Caleb’s hand only steals under his so Molly can guide him to where the cat’s head is, that’s all.</p><p>That’s all.</p><p>--</p><p>It’s a bit difficult to say that TravelerCon went without a hitch. In fact, it’s probably more accurate to say there were <i>many</i> hitches. But after the dust has settled and the Traveler has “ascended” successfully, Jester proclaims the convention to have been <i>like the greatest party ever</i>, and so the Mighty Nein find themselves roped into the midst of what is possibly the biggest potluck party Molly has ever been a part of.</p><p>And he’s been in a circus. Nearly every dinner was a potluck party, when you think about it. Probably. It came from a pot, anyway.</p><p>It’s possible Molly’s not sure what the meaning of the word potluck even is, but whatever. Jester’s happy, so he’s happy. So happy that he’s dancing, even—letting strangers whirl him around on the impromptu dance floor, laughing hard. A lot of drinks have been passed around, although Molly is a little more sober than almost any of the other Mighty Nein, save for Caduceus (who doesn’t drink alcohol at all), Jester (who’s chugging milk), and Veth (who has been banned from drinking alcohol, because even turning back into a halfling can’t entirely curb raging alcoholism, it turns out).</p><p>Okay, so he’s a little more buzzed than a quarter of the Mighty Nein, but he’s <i>less</i> drunk than the rest. Except maybe Beau, which is ridiculous, because he’s lost count of how many shots she’s had. Must be some monk bullshit.</p><p>Caleb, though.</p><p>Caleb is completely smashed. His face is red, and he’s singing adorable little made-up songs about the Traveler and the Mighty Nein and Jester and all their deeds. Most of it’s in Zemnian, so Molly doesn’t really know what he’s singing about, but whatever it is, it’s making the other Traveler followers really happy.</p><p>It’s nice, seeing him like this, actually. All loosened up and freely giggling, letting other people spin him around. Molly’s glad, he really is.</p><p>He’s glad right up until Caleb all but stumbles into him, grabs his hands, and says with sheer conviction in his voice, “Mollymauk, <i>you have to dance with me.</i>”</p><p>“What,” says Molly.</p><p>“You aren’t dancing!” Caleb says.</p><p>“I <i>have</i> been dancing,” says Molly.</p><p>“But you aren’t right now,” says Caleb.</p><p>“Well, I’ve mostly just been waiting for someone else to approach me,” says Molly. “And enjoying the drinks. Want some more?”</p><p>“I have had <i>so many</i> drinks,” Caleb informs him. “One, two, three, four, <i>five</i>. <i>Fünf.</i>” He snickers, and Molly’s heart actually melts right in his chest. He has never seen Caleb this loose and carefree before. “I don’t think it would be wise for me to have more drinks,” says Caleb, in a whisper that’s a mite too loud to really count as a whisper. “I would like to keep dancing. I would especially like to dance with you, if you will have me, Mister Mollymauk.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh, fuck.</p><p>Molly’s stupid twice-dead, thrice-alive heartbeat kicks up a notch, then. He prays to the Moonweaver that it’s too dark for anyone to see the blush on his face. “Why, of course I would have you, Mister Caleb,” he says instead, because Mollymauk Tealeaf has never been known to go with the plans that have any sense to them ever. Even his own plans.</p><p>And so Caleb pulls him back onto the dance floor, eyes sparkling and bright. He’s not very graceful, not with the alcohol addling his steps, but Molly manages to catch him before he can spin into someone else. The moon is shining bright above them, and in the moonlight Caleb almost seems to glow.</p><p><i>I don’t know if I can let this go,</i> Molly thinks, and it’s a sharp, sobering thought. He laces his fingers through Caleb’s, says, “Slow down—they’re changing the song.”</p><p>“Oh,” says Caleb, cocking his head. The song is changing into something slower and softer. Molly half-thinks he can hear a lute somewhere in there, someone slowly plucking its strings to coax a melody out of it. “Hold on to me, <i>ja?</i>”</p><p>“Of course,” says Molly, and Caleb steps in closer. “Where should I—”</p><p>“One hand on the small of my back,” Caleb instructs him, “and hold mine with the other—see? You have it.” He rests his head against Molly’s shoulder as they begin to sway together, slowly, so close that Molly’s heart is beating double-time against his chest. “You have me,” Caleb murmurs.</p><p>“What was that?” Molly asks.</p><p>Instead of responding, Caleb sings, “<i>How could I face the faceless days, if I should lose you now?</i>”</p><p>“Oh, you are <i>drunk</i>,” says Molly. “I ought to take you to your bed. You’ll regret drinking so much in the morning.”</p><p>“<i>Nein</i>,” Caleb says. “I want—one dance. Just <i>one</i>.”</p><p>And really—what else can Molly do but oblige him?</p><p>--</p><p>When Caleb wakes up the next day on the Ball Eater, he stumbles out of his cabin and throws up over the railing. Veth, helpfully, holds his hair back and pats his back in sympathy.</p><p>Molly, who’s already done his puking, hands Caleb a glass of water when he’s done. “You’re not a half-bad dancer, you know,” he says. “Where’d you learn?”</p><p>Caleb purses his lips, as if thinking over the value of this information, as if trying to assess whether telling Molly is worth the risk of it getting out. Then he shrugs, and says, “I had this friend, once. She used to be a much better dancer than me, and she would always guide me whenever there was a festival or something similar back in our hometown.” His smile is nostalgic, and sad, and doesn’t quite reach his eyes, where Molly sees the ghosts of his past dance. “I suppose some of her lessons simply stuck around.” Then he cocks his head. “Where did you?”</p><p>“The circus, where else?” Molly says. “Mona and Yuli were very insistent I learn. I think it was just because they wanted someone else they could make fun of for being worse than they were.” He grins at the memory of it, of Mona and Yuli heckling him on the sidelines as Desmond tried to guide Molly’s steps. “Joke fell on them eventually, of course, I got <i>fantastic</i> at it.”</p><p>“Do you miss it?” Caleb asks. “The circus?”</p><p>Molly shrugs. “A bit, yeah,” he says. “But I can’t bring those days back. They made me who I am, for better and for worse, but now it’s gone.” And it still stings to have lost something that had been so central to forming him, but—well. Everything has to come to an end sometime. “What about you?”</p><p>For a long moment, Caleb says nothing. Just leans his head back against the railing and looks up at the sky, at the crow’s nest. Molly lets the silence stretch on between them, and tries not to listen to the sounds of Fjord and Yasha throwing up over the side of the railing.</p><p>Then Caleb says, “I used to think I could, perhaps, bring it back. Those old days, when I was—happy. And whole.”</p><p>“And now?”</p><p>Caleb breathes out slowly, and says, “I met you. And now—I don’t know if I can pay the cost of it. If I brought those days back, I would risk never having met you all, and I don’t know if getting those days back is worth that risk.” He huffs out a mirthless laugh and continues, “I care for all of you. So much more than I thought I would, at the start of all this.”</p><p>“Oh,” Molly says, heart doing backflips in his chest. “Funny. Me too.”</p><p>They stay like that, sitting against the railing, for a few more minutes. Then Caleb’s head leans against Molly’s shoulder, and he says, “I missed you. <i>We</i> missed you, very much.”</p><p>“I missed you lot too,” says Molly. “No one else can engineer the kind of entertaining chaos you all could.”</p><p>--</p><p>The Raven Queen comes for everyone, in the end. She came for Molly twice, but each time he’s wriggled out of her grasp, and now that he’s on his third go, he’s not keen on feeling her touch again. Or her emissary’s touch, handsome as he is.</p><p>She comes for Caleb. Via impalement through the chest, of course.</p><p>They <i>really</i> have to stop being impaled through the chest. Molly ought to start a petition: <i>stop stabbing us through the chest, it leaves nasty scars that’re very awkward to explain to a very attractive person who’s taken you to bed</i>. Yeah. He’ll do that. Just—</p><p>“Hey,” Veth says, “Caleb, hey, come on, it’s done, it’s <i>done</i>, we’re all fine, we’re okay now. Caleb? Caleb, <i>wake up.</i>” She slaps his cheek, harder than she means to, but Caleb doesn’t answer. How can he? There’s a hole in his chest that shouldn’t <i>be there</i>—</p><p>“Is he all right?” Essek asks. “Caleb? Come on, you stubborn fool—”</p><p>“He’s dead,” someone says. With a start, Molly realizes: he said that. “He’s bloody well <i>dead</i>.”</p><p>“No!” Veth snaps at him. “No, he’s <i>fine</i>, give me a fucking potion—Jes! Jester, come over here, help me heal him—”</p><p>“I <i>can’t</i>,” says Jester, “I can’t because Molly’s <i>right</i>. I can’t—” Her voice breaks, shatters, fat tears rolling down her cheeks, and Molly never wants to hear that break again, “I can’t heal the <i>dead</i>. And,” that crack, that horrible shattered note in her voice again, “it’s been too long, I can’t cast Revivify.”</p><p>“So bring him back some other way!” Veth half-shrieks, her voice like a whip crack, and Jester flinches back. “Bring him back, you have to bring him back, you <i>have to</i>—”</p><p>“Coins,” says Molly, inanely, fishing around for his purse as the Mighty Nein, all in various states of disarray, covered in blood and gore and filth, slowly converge around Caleb’s body. “I need—we need two coppers, Caduceus, we can stave it off, I have two coppers right here, nearest town’s only a week away—”</p><p>“I’m on it,” says Caduceus, taking hold of Molly’s shaking hands. “Molly. It’s fine. We’ll bring him back, it’s okay.”</p><p>“It’s <i>not</i>,” Molly says, “I—I never—”</p><p>Caduceus doesn’t say anything, but he nods in understanding, eyes shining with sadness. His own hands are shaking too, but he breathes in, then out, then takes the copper pieces from Molly and closes Caleb’s eyes. Lays the coins over them, murmurs a spell, as Beau falls to her knees and puts her hand on Molly’s shoulder. He doesn’t have to look to see the haunted devastation on her face.</p><p>They <i>really</i> ought to stop being impaled, and right in front of Beau, too. One day the girl’s just going to snap and start smacking bladed weapons out of their enemy’s hands.</p><p>Molly smooths Caleb’s hair back from his face. “We’ll get you back,” he whispers.</p><p>--</p><p>The nearest town is full of goblins, tieflings, and drow elves, as is typical for Xhorhas. All of them are pretty shocked to see the Shadowhand himself and the brokers of the peace between Xhorhas and the Empire charge right into town, carrying the dead body of their friend with them, frantically asking where the nearest temple is, where the nearest shop selling diamonds is.</p><p>Molly goes broke, pooling all his money and some of Veth’s into buying the most expensive diamond there is. The shopkeeper is absolutely jacking up the price for it, but Molly doesn’t give half a shit. All he can think of is how long it takes for rigor mortis to set into a dead body, how long it takes before a soul can no longer be called back to its body, how long it takes before decomposition starts, how long, how long, how long.</p><p>He never even told him. Fuck.</p><p>
  <i>I just keep missing my chances.</i>
</p><p>When he gets back, Caduceus and Jester are flipping a coin. It spins through the air, the light gleaming off the edge of it, and lands square in Caduceus’ furry hand.</p><p>“Heads,” he says, showing her the coin.</p><p>“We’d better go find a temple to the Wildmother, then,” says Jester, looking distinctly put out. She walks off, and Molly walks on up to Caduceus, who’s tucking the coin back into his pocket, and shoves the diamond at him.</p><p>“Thanks, Molly,” says Caduceus.</p><p>“Were you two flipping a coin over whose god could bring Caleb back?” Molly asks, flabbergasted.</p><p>“Seemed like it’d have the least amount of fuss,” Caduceus says. Then he pauses, and says, “He’ll be fine. A little worse for wear, but Caleb’s not a person who likes to leave things undone, once he sets his mind to it.”</p><p>Isn’t that true. “What happens,” says Molly, “if—if we don’t manage to bring Caleb back?”</p><p>Caduceus lets out a breath. “Then we’ll just have to say goodbye,” he says, softly. He puts a shaking hand on Molly’s shoulder, and bends down to press his forehead to Molly’s. Closes his eyes, breathes out slow.</p><p>Molly wraps his arms around him, and says, “I meant—I meant,” he croaks, “what if it’s like me and, fuck, Lucien?”</p><p>“Oh,” says Caduceus, sounding surer now. “That won’t happen, Mister Mollymauk. Pretty sure of that.” He pulls away to pat Molly’s shoulder. “You’re kind of a unique case,” he says, which, okay, true. Fjord’s died and been revived none the worse for it, after all. Hell, Molly came back still <i>himself</i>, too. No reason why Caleb won’t be the same way, and his heart eases at the thought. “You’ve got an offering ready, right?”</p><p>“What?” Molly says.</p><p>“For the ritual,” Caduceus explains. “You try to convince the soul to come back. It helps to have something concrete, with you.”</p><p>Molly thinks of dances in the moonlight, a warm hand in his, a ghostly cat hopping up into Caleb’s lap. He has nothing concrete, except for his memories. Except for this love, secret and safe in the pit of his chest. For now.</p><p>“I think I do,” he says.</p><p>--</p><p>The ritual starts. Veth lays a bracelet of buttons over Caleb’s stiffened hands, pleads with him to come back, because she misses him, because he’s the best friend she’s ever had and she wants him to be safe and okay and to live as long as a human possibly can. “You should get to see Luc grow up,” she says. “You should get to live peacefully and happily. Come <i>home</i>.”</p><p>Beau’s next. She squeezes Caleb’s shoulder, lays a book next to his head, and says, “I went out and bought you a new spellbook. You’ve been bitching about how you needed a new one lately, since you were running out of space and money for the old one.” She shoots Essek a <i>look</i>, and Essek holds his hands up, as if to ward it off. “I—fuck, man, I don’t know what to say here. I don’t know what to say to talk you into coming back. But I <i>miss</i> you. I miss you. You’re like a shitty older brother I never asked for but I can’t lose.” Another squeeze, and she presses her forehead against his. “You gotta come back, Caleb,” she says. “There’s still so much left to do. We need you around.”</p><p>And finally—</p><p>Molly steps forward, at about the same time Essek does. For a moment he freezes in place, his heart cracking, but then Essek pauses. Looks at him.</p><p>Then Essek steps back, says, “I think—you were there from the beginning. You may have a better chance than I do.”</p><p>Molly looks back at him. Thinks <i>I’m not sorry, but you deserve happiness.</i> Thinks, <i>Good luck out there, I hope you find it.</i> Thinks, <i>Thank you.</i> It’s only the last he says out loud, and Essek smiles back, faint and sad.</p><p>Then Molly steps forward, takes his coat off, and lays it over Caleb’s body. “N—Veth and Beau’ve made great points,” he begins, sitting down beside him, “so I don’t—I haven’t got anything else to say. Or, well. I’m lying, I do have something else to say. But it’s nothing so grand as the work you’ve started, nothing so lovely as the promise of a peaceful, happy life.” He leans down over Caleb’s body, brushes strands of red hair out of his face. “But I know this,” he says, softly. “You once told me that you believed in second starts. Back in Zadash, remember? And I think—I think you had my heart, from that moment on.” He breathes out slowly and shuts his eyes against the tears threatening to flow. “Should’ve told you from the start, I suppose,” he says. “But I want you to know now—I love you. I loved you in Zadash, I loved you in Hupperdook, I loved you even when I was dead, and I loved you from Nicodranas to TravelerCon to now. I’ll love you if you come back, and I’ll love you even if you don’t.”</p><p>He leans forward and presses a kiss to Caleb’s forehead. “I still believe in second starts,” he says, softly. “For what it’s worth.”</p><p>Then he stands up and steps back.</p><p>And the diamond shatters into a fine dust, scattering over Caleb’s chest. One, two, three—</p><p>Caleb sucks in a gasping breath, and Veth is the first to his side.</p><p>--</p><p>That night, while Molly’s shuffling idly through his tarot cards, someone knocks on the door.</p><p>“Yeah, come on in, I’m half-decent!” he calls, and immediately regrets it when Caleb walks in, a bottle of wine in hand, Molly’s coat hanging off his shoulders. Not the good shit, that brand of wine, but maybe the best that this tavern has. “Well, if it isn’t our recently-returned wizard,” Molly says, affecting a casual grin, “what brings you out here?”</p><p>Caleb lifts the bottle up. “I, ah—I found wine,” he says. “And I figured you might want some.”</p><p>“Oh, yes, please,” says Molly, putting his cards to the side and scooting over on his bed, to let Caleb sit beside him. Caleb uncorks the bottle, takes a swig, then passes the wine to him.</p><p>“I think,” says Caleb, “you are supposed to enjoy this cool, and in a glass.”</p><p>“Eh, another time,” says Molly, before he lifts the bottle to his lips and starts drinking.</p><p>Caleb says nothing for a long time, when Molly passes the bottle back to him. Just takes a drink, then passes it back, and for a while, the bottle changes hands between them in comfortable silence.</p><p>Then Caleb says, “I heard you.”</p><p>“Oh,” says Molly, feeling his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. “How much?”</p><p>“A—Quite a lot,” says Caleb. “I heard Veth and Beau too, and I was—considering what they were saying. But you were the one who convinced me to come back.” He sighs, and says, “Was it—Did it really start in Zadash?”</p><p>“Yes,” Molly says, because. Well. He did admit it, in front of all their friends and the actual fucking Shadowhand himself. “Sort of,” he adds. “I knew I was attracted to you before then, but you were a bloody handsome man, under all the dirt and grime. Of course I’d be attracted.” He sighs, then says, “But when you said that, about second starts—that was when I fell in love.”</p><p>“Oh,” says Caleb. “I. Ah. This is going to be a little embarrassing.”</p><p>“Can’t be more embarrassing than what I just pulled today,” says Molly.</p><p>“I think I fell in love with you,” says Caleb, “sometime in Berleben. A little after Beau and I fought over the bowl.”</p><p>“What,” says Molly.</p><p>“I <i>said</i> it was embarrassing,” Caleb huffs. “It wasn’t anything special, not like yours. I just saw you asleep and I thought about how nice it would be to wake up next to you.”</p><p>“<i>What,</i>” says Molly.</p><p>“And then you died,” says Caleb. “So I didn’t think I would have that chance. But then you came back! And I was still enough of a coward that I thought I could handle it, but—”</p><p>“I’m still stuck on the part where you’ve been in love with me since Berleben,” says Molly. “We could’ve been sucking faces this whole time! This whole fucking time!”</p><p>“Do not even <i>start</i>,” says Caleb.</p><p>“Oh, no, I’m starting now,” says Molly, turning Caleb’s face towards him. “Make up for lost time and all. C’mere.” And he kisses Caleb, tasting cherry wine on his lips, the wine bottle tipping dangerously between them, threatening to spill over the bed. Let it spill. He has something better now.</p><p>Caleb kisses him back, warm, calloused hands gently framing Molly’s face. He pulls back, says, “The wine—”</p><p>“Okay, okay,” says Molly, putting the wine bottle to the side. “Kiss me?” he asks.</p><p>And Caleb does, again, and again, and again.</p>
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